Feels like I’ve been thrown backwards 2 years.
Bear is on the phone with his ex again – just when things were going well they are beginning to fade into this chaotic banter again.
Apparently she’s changing all the plans that they had made. Goal was to get through this year and get Bear through the bar exam – then once he got a good job we could move them closer, or wherever she wanted. Now she’s demanding that they move by this December. Which is literally impossible. Then she suggested that they drop money on 3 plane tickets for a Christmas vacation. Where the kids would stop off here and she would continue on to see her boyfriend or whatever. Sounds great except the financial part. She expects Bear to give all this money we don’t have. We sent 50.00 to her recently because she needed help with school supplies and she laughed at him. Said it was nothing. What she doesn’t understand is we live penny to penny. That $50.00 really made things tight on us.
My head hurts. I’m beginning to question everything.
I got married August 8th – it was wonderful just getting hitched with my family in the Pastor’s office.
We figure this is the easiest way to save some money and will have the actual wedding ceremony in November.
I’m trying to get my blogging edge back.
Random Spattering…
Saw Mrs. Swarchenegger galavanting around Golds, she’s flipping huge – was not really motivation as much as just fascinating.
Random meat heads heckeling in a gym is never cool.
I’m at 126 – 16 pounds to go.
It’s definitely just one of those days.
I’m having blood pressure issues (136/101 – pulse 111) just sitting here. Gotta love a hyperthyroid.
Bear has been having issues with his Ex. It’s amazing that they have actually spoken on the phone a few times – halfway civil like. I’m quite proud of the fact he’s been able to keep his cool. I’m finding that I admire his strength daily.
I’ve been learning more and more things about his past, things I don’t prefer. But every time I dwell on them with a negative feeling I’m reminded of the crap that he has stuck through. Found out yesterday that his girlfriend from when he was in college had an abortion that agreed to. I’m insanely pro-life – and I don’t hold it against him being he was a completely different person then. But it’s like crap – I keep finding out things about this girl he was with. He first told me he just had this insane crush on her, she was older and didn’t really give him the time of day. Come to find out they had a very serious relationship, which obviously involved sex. I don’t know. I’m being a butt about it. I just don’t like surprises. Ha.
Today during a conversation with his Ex-Wife (Well – soon to be in 8-10 weeks. Fin-freakin-ly) she told him he killed their baby. I had no idea what that meant, then he told me she claims she was pregnant during the time he was leaving years ago. And that the stress caused a miscarriage. He told me today he has a hard time believing that’s the case because he can’t place the timeline. But who knows. For some reason it just really hurt. I don’t know.
My blood pressure is too high to make sense. That’s for sure.
Well – he showed up yesterday.
Everything that has been going on the past several months has finally came to a close.
I was shocked that he was denying it. I was shocked that I had to actually go to Dallas for the hearing. It didn’t even compute that he would actually show up from Florida. But in hindsight I guess I’m glad he did. Walking into that board room to confront the one who changed my whole life was surreal. I had my past in front of me, and my future right next to me being protective and supportive.
He was being extremely nonchalant. He didn’t even blink when I walked in. Acted like he didn’t have a care in the world. That I wasn’t about to come in and blow the lid off the 11 years of twisted history. I sat down and felt the world falling on my shoulders. I panicked, not knowing why I was there – what I was doing.
When the panel read him the charges – and after I heard his response my strength and will returned. I remembered why I was there. On the charge of “Conduct unbecoming a minister” – Guilty. On the charge of “Sexual and Mental Abuse” – Innocent. On the charge of “Adultery” – Innocent.
Hearing his voice for the first time in person, in over two years, was jolting. I couldn’t believe that after everything he put me through he wouldn’t even have the decency to admit to what he did. To admit to the crazy manipulation and possession he had over me. He ruined many of my relationships, my family, friends and ex’s. He changed my whole future – I had dreams that were shattered and then built to what he saw fit. As long as my future included him, as long as I was able to appease him I could have a tiny bit of artificial peace in my life.
I told my story. I told them everything – the lies that were created, why I was conditioned to live two separate lives. Why I allowed it to go on for as long as it did. Why my very reason for existence was to keep the situation quiet – so I could protect his little girls. They were my life – my absolute being was wrapped up in those beautiful little girls. Whom I lost while trying to protect.
After all was said and done, after my closest childhood friend testified – after my sister told what she knew – I won.
Except – I don’t feel like I won at all. Yes “justice” has been served. He was found guilty on all three counts, and his ministerial credentials are being stripped. He will have no way to get them back because I was 15 when it all started. I got what I was looking for. I got him out of youth ministry where he had targeted me 11 years ago. Hopefully I kept another girl from having to go through the same pain I went through. But why do I ache so much? Why does my heart hurt and why on earth do I feel like I kind of miss him? The thought of him being completely out of my life is unnerving. I’m so used to him being a fixture in my life – even as a negative one as he has been the past decade. I’m just a mess of emotions.
He didn’t have a defense – and now I know why. Apparently the state of Texas has no statute of limitations. I can go after him for having a sexual relationship with me as a minor whenever I want. So I’m guessing he decided that it’s worth losing his ministers credentials and coming up with a complete fallacy to his wife to explain away the change, versus pissing me off and me taking him to criminal court. Well, I guess what he doesn’t know is that I never planned on taking this farther than this ecclesiastical court. I don’t want to file charges, I don’t have a vendetta. I just want to get him out of a situation where he can do this to another girl. The more I think about how he played this entire situation the more I realize that not only is he smart, but he’s almost a pro at this. He admitted to nothing that could be held against him as “admission” in a court of law. He just let everything play out the way it did and seemingly acted the part of the “victim violated by the judicial system”.
All I know is that I have so many emotions to sort through. I find myself happy to have him gone but missing him at the same time. The closure is jolting – Like it was slammed shut before I realized it.
I’m kind of a mess.